Life After Miscarrying

miscarriage

Hey guys, I just wanted to say thank you from the bottom of my heart for those of you who called, texted, dropped gifts/food at our doorstep when I miscarried almost 2 months ago. It seriously blew me away just how many of you cared enough to take time out of your busy lives to reach out and pray for our family. I am eternally grateful. This blog post is not going to be my typical fashion, beauty, hair & makeup done, recipe post - in fact, it is the absolute opposite.

On January 24th, I was heading to my 13th week ultrasound for a routine prenatal assessment - I was so excited to see baby again as we had seen him/her a week before wiggling away on the monitor. I certainly did not anticipate what had came that day. The ultrasound technician was beyond quiet and I knew deep down in my heart that our baby was gone. They gave me a sealed envelope and told me to go to the ER immediately. Of course, I opened the note in my car and the words that haunted me for so many years reappeared in the most cruel way possible. Our baby had stopped growing at 11 weeks and 4 days. We were so close. We almost made it to that magical 12 week milestone. I know I am not the only one and in fact no one can deny this - as soon as you see those 2 pretty pink lines, you fantasize what your baby will look like, you make plans in your head for this baby, you start to envision your once a family of 3, a family of 4.

Unfortunately I am no stranger to miscarriages so I knew full well what options the doctors were going to offer. We decided to go with the D&C procedure because I simply am not strong enough to let the pregnancy pass on its own. For someone who has been through all options - letting it pass on its own, with drugs - Misoprostol & letting it pass, and D&C - at the end of the day, this option was the best for me. The procedure lasted for about 20 minutes start to finish. I did not feel any physical pain during or after however the only pain I felt was in my heart.

miracle baby

I wish this pain upon no one. Living in fear for 4 years that I may never ever be a mom, the countless fertilty assessments, self injected needles, blood work every other day & every day leading up to ovulation, post c-section, no pain even comes remotely close to losing a baby you once carried in your belly. This pain at times is unbearable and what you are left with are picking up all of the pieces. Sadness, angry, confusion, denial, anxiety, depression, I’ve been through it all the past month and a bit. As much as it hurts me to say this, it wasn’t meant to be our baby. At times, we go through these hardships which seems so unfair and you are beyond tired of continously saying why me. But let me tell you this, our obstacles and hardships in life does not define who we are in fact it is how we overcome these horrible horrible situations is what truly defines us. For someone who has been through 3 miscarriages, I am still hopeful because I truly believe with everything that I am that I am meant to be a mom of 2 and if I believe in this so deeply, it will happen. To those who have been through a loss or is currently going through one, I am truly sorry. There will be days where you will hate you body (at least for me), you’d maybe blame yourself for the loss, scream at the top of your lungs confused of his reasonings, and not wanting to get out of bed but I promise you, you will find your smile again. At your own pace in your own timing.

I have amazing days and I also have bad days but what keeps me going is being able to glance over and see my miracle baby. She is my constant reminder that miracles do happen. She is my reason.